Worry Wart

Do you ever have one of those days when your mind is going one thousand miles a second? Of course you have, you are only human. I, too, am human and find myself suffering from the racing mind syndrome. This feeling is icky. I'm tense, anxious, and quite unlike myself. For the past few days now I have been feeling like this. Whether I wake up with immediate fear that I had forgotten to complete something, or I sit down to think about what I will be doing after graduation, this feeling has been looming over my head quite frequently.

Today I woke up to a missed call from my volunteer coordinator at hospice. I had left her a message yesterday asking if she needed me to come in, after all it was the fourth of July and I was not sure if they were open. I figured that because I did not get in contact with her that the office was closed so I went about my merry business. But today I received a less than happy phone call from her stating that the office was open, only she had taken off for vacation that afternoon.

I couldn't help but feel wildly guilty, even though I see no fault in what I had done. I never like disappointing anyone, especially someone with whom I work with. On the other hand, I felt like I handled the situation as a young adult should, with respect. I don't know why this matters so much to me, it is only a volunteer job, nothing huge. But it does. And I can't seem to shake it out of my head that has been buzzing with worries of study abroad trips, money (or the lack thereof), school, my job, graduation, and post graduation.

I took this summer off with the approval of my parents. They have been so wonderful to me and know that I deserve to have some time off, especially from icky retail jobs. I just feel so blessed when it comes to them. But I also have felt rather anxious about my taking time off. I feel like I am not doing a good job, that I wasting my potential, and that I am not deserving of something so wholesome and good. It is a horrible feeling. I will never know why I do not find myself deserving of the good things in life. But for some reason I have been given them.

I worry far too much and about things that I have no control over, which is a very good way to go coo-coo banana crackers if you ask me. I know that we all have one of those days (only God knows why, probably to teach us a lesson of some sort) and I guess that today is just my turn. Even though the events of this morning have not left me with a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, I am certain that I will have to change the way I think in order to have a beautiful day (which is not easy).

So, deep breath in. Exhale.

It's time to be beautiful.